That Which Comes Between
by thisisnotmybeautifulhouse
Summary: Every boy needs a father figure - someone to love him unconditionally, and teach him what it means to be a man. This is a look at the relationship between Merlin and Gaius, post 3x09.


The pale light of just before dawn filtered into the tiny room. Merlin blinked contemplatively up at the ceiling at which he had been staring for the past hour and sighed a soft, noiseless sigh of one who is not quite content, though peace and balance reigned once more. Things still felt unsettled in the wake of Alice's sudden arrival and exit in everyone's lives.

Merlin was used to people taking little or no heed of his advice. He understood the reputation the many strange happenings since his early days in Camelot had garnered him the unspoken title of Village Idiot or Court Jester in most people's eyes. But the one person who always supported him in the end, his father in every thing but blood – the idea that the love of a woman long gone from his mentor's life could shatter his faith in Merlin bothered him more than he could express.

Love could make people do crazy things, Merlin knew. Uther's love and grief for Ygraine led to the murder of hundreds and a new era in Camelot. Will's love and friendship for Merlin led him to take an arrow meant for Arthur, a man he could not stand. Hunith's love for Balinor led her to flee Camelot with him and raise their child alone and unaided. Arthur's love for his people led him to sacrifice little pieces of himself time and again. Yet should the love of one person have the power to turn a man against another beloved friend or relative? It seemed wrong somehow.

What hurt the most, what truly cut Merlin to the core, was the fact that Gaius believed even for a moment that Merlin did not want him to be happy. All Merlin ever wanted was for his loved ones to be happy (as well as for Arthur to live long enough to ascend to the throne of Camelot and unite all of Albion, but really, they were practically the same thing: if Arthur became king, he could marry Gwen, which would make both of them inordinately happy; if Arthur became king, magic would supposedly return to the land, and Alice could return, making Gaius happy; if Arthur became king, Gwaine would be welcome in Camelot, making Gwaine and Merlin himself happy). Surely Gaius could see that? Surely he knew Merlin well enough to understand? And yet, based on the argument they had while Merlin was trying to protect king and country from the latest magical threat in the form of one hideous manticore, he did not.

For the past few days as life in Camelot returned to normal – or as normal as it could be with Morgana constantly hovering in the background, waiting for the opportune moment to strike against the crown and, subsequently, against Arthur – an uneasy tension pervaded the room any time Gaius and Merlin spoke. So far as he knew, Merlin was the only one aware of this feeling, as Gaius attempted to carry on with life as though nothing had ever happened. Was he simply acting oblivious in this matter in the same way he chose to ignore the burning and drowning of innocents, or did he truly not sense the unresolved issues between them?

These thoughts and feelings continued to occupy his mind as he dressed and readied himself for the day. As he picked at his breakfast, the tension between him and Gaius, who sat across the table talking about the various tasks he needed to complete for people around the castle and in the lower town, pulled at Merlin constantly, keeping him silent. He hoped he looked properly engaged and attentive. A soft, "Merlin, are you feeling alright?" dashed those hopes, but rather than face the problem now, he hastened to rise from his seat and head for the door, calling out a quick, "I'm fine. See you later!"

Throughout the day, Merlin was silent and introspective, only vaguely aware of the confused looks Arthur sent his way. However, he performed all of his chores without making a single mistake, and so Arthur clearly could find no reason to call him on his brooding behavior. He knew it was making Arthur uncomfortable; he had been like this ever since Alice left and Arthur was only ever comfortable with brooding silence if the person responsible for the silence was himself. When night came, Merlin completed his duties thoroughly and efficiently and then beat a hasty retreat, lest Arthur attempt to extend some form of comfort. He would never be able to understand why the knights could not find a way to express support and affection beyond punches, slaps, and other acceptably violent means. Friendship did not have to involve inflicting pain, of any kind.

On the way home, Merlin took the time to appreciate the tapestries and other works of art which gave voice to the rich history and culture of Camelot. He reveled in the strength and majesty of the red and gold which gilded the entire castle. When he caught himself pausing to admire a tapestry which he normally considered tacky and completely lacking in taste, he shook his head and continued on at a much more purposeful pace. If he continued to act this way, he would wake one day to find himself just as emotionally avoidant as the current source of his discomfort.

Rather than finding Gaius tinkering with some new combination of herbs or deeply absorbed in some scientific tome or other, when he entered their shared home, he found Gaius sitting at the table, looking right at Merlin with stern yet gentle gaze. Merlin was unsure what to make of this turn of events. He had been preparing himself mentally ever since walking away from that ghastly excuse for a tapestry for a discussion where for once he would have all of the cards which would be laid out on the table. Instead, he found himself once again on the receiving end, complying automatically with the soft, "Sit down, Merlin," and wondering where this was going.

After considering his charge for a moment, Gaius began, "Merlin, I am truly sorry for what I said a few days ago. I should never have accused you of wanting me, or anyone else for that matter, to be unhappy. I should have believed you, but I let my love for Alice cloud my judgment. You have always been honest with me when it truly mattered, and I promise to never doubt you again."

"You… it really hurt. What you said. I'm used to Arthur saying hurtful things, and I don't really mind when you scold me for doing something stupid… especially when I really need it. But. I never expected you to say something so harsh and so far from the truth," Merlin paused and wondered whether he should actually express the next part, then soldiered on, "I never expected to feel the way I know Arthur has to when he and Uther fight, after arguing with you."

Gaius gasped quietly and his shoulders slumped. He walked around the table to where Merlin sat and placed his hands on Merlin's shoulders. "My dear boy . I cannot tell you how sorry I am that my words made you feel this way. I can only say that I will try my best to never allow my anger to cause you so much pain ever again. _You_ are the son I was never able to have, and the dearest thing I have in this world. _Please _forgive me." Merlin leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Gaius' middle, pressing his head into his chest and feeling Gaius' arms wrap around his shoulders. He breathed in the scent of herbs and old books and felt something which had been sitting tight in his chest for days release. Perhaps things would still be uncertain for a little while, but now they could finally start to move forward from the events of the past week, rather than letting them fester.

The next morning, in the moments before dawn, Merlin smiled up at his ceiling, ready to greet the day.


End file.
